My thinking back when joining the Family was scriptural, imo. "He that loses His life for My Name's sake, the same shall save it." I did not know, at the time, however, that I was joining a cult, nor did I know how insiduous it's indoctrination would be. Yet, in a funny sort of a way, my life was saved. I got over my addictions while in the Family, and then I got over the dependence I had on the Family. Both recoveries were devastatingly difficult. Neverthelss, I was able to make peace with it all and put it all behind. It took 23 years.

Part of coming to terms with the real ME while in the Family was having to come to terms with my stubborn inability to take correction well, or to work well under authority. That vice plagued me all thoughout my 13 years in the Fam, although I had learned to control some of it and be submissive in lots of ways. Woe be unto those, though, had I become THE BOSS with that unfinished business in my life. That business was still unfinished when I came out of the Family and, although my family of orgin brothers and sisters reached out to help, it (the unfinished business) affected my relationships in severe ways.

My mother is prone to some of the same vice - she is known to be very critically divisive, double minded, craving leadership and unstable in all her ways. She got offened recently over my two sisters pushing to put her into a home for the elderly after my dad died, so she changed the Will to cut my sisters out and, I guess because of my unfinished business, included me in the cut. My sisters would have put the family farm up for sale and would have distributed the profits accordingly to each brother and sister as my dad had it written. That would have meant one of my brothers having to move his buildings, though, which were on the farm, or subdivide, expenses he could not, or would not, afford as he had fled the country over income tax evasion. He played my mother, imo, and got her to give the farm to his son. That way, he got to keep his buildings and still utilize the farm's resources through his son. I found out just recently, too, that he borrowed most of her money (in his daughter's name) to rescue his sweetie down in SA. I doubt that that part of the inheritance will ever be re-emburrsed, so it looks like I'm going to be out there too. Now I've just found out that an aunt, who died recently, cut me out of her Will too. I assume that my unfinised business, and some of my mother's gossip, was behind that.

Of course, these are very, very deep hurts. I could have used the (literally) thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars to care for my family at a time when I so desparately needed a hand from above. As it was, I struggled to get lineoleum onto the floor. Come top think of it, I still am, although this will be the turn year for that. I did eventually, get over all that pride of mine and the Family and am now facing re-establishing relationships with a family of origin that has been torn apart by my mom's unfinished business, not to mention how my own past affected my relations. My mom has asked for forgiveness but won't change the Will, and my sister and her husband, who created a large part of the mess over the family farm, walked off with my share of my aunt's will. I have been hurt, hurt and hurt.

I accept that I was out of it during the 10 years I struggled to recover from the Family. I realize too, that if I let this eat at me, many more will be defiled, including my own children. I do not want more unfinished business to enter the inter- generational chain. In some ways, I feel as though I've been sold into slavery (because of my sins) and somehow been thrown into prizon with Joseph when it comes to family. There's no doubt, in my mind, that I have been the family scapegoat. I want that all to be changed.

If you were in my shoes, Bob, what would be your next move?