Question from Miriam

Your question, Miriam, regarding the authority of the Pastor and Elders in a local church, and you and your husband’s struggle with that authority is very normal for where you have come from. In fact, from our experience of working in this field for over 14 years I am surprised that you have found a church where you feel safe enough to attend. Most former members of destructive groups, from our experience, find it very difficult to attend church. So, my congratulations and blessings to you!

However, having said that, destructive groups like the Family take a legitimate Biblical principle, like authority, and use it against you as a member. Let me explain. God intends the proper use of authority in a context of His grace to free His people; within destructive groups just the opposite occurs. Their kind of authority enslaves you to the group. However, as a member or former member it is all just authority, and that is what is so confusing. Thus, when you leave the destructive group and experience a Pastor or Elder exercising a legitimate use of authority it is going to feel like the abusive authority that was so traumatic for you in the previous environment. This is called a “trigger”.

There is also another problem, Miriam. When a person leaves a destructive group (whether they were kicked out or walked out, doesn’t matter) their emotional, psychological and spiritual boundaries have been totally destroyed by the group. Thus, the former member often feels completely helpless in the face of authority figures. They will alternate between having concrete walls for boundaries to protect themselves from any perceived threat. Or, they will have no boundaries at all and will end up being used and abused because they cannot say “no”. The reestablishment of boundaries is always a very critical issue for any former member of a high control, destructive group.