I have read the Ask Bob board with interest for some time. One comment in particular you made recently has prompted this letter. Your comment was:

“Most of the people whom we work with are ones who initially were asymptomatic. Some did not evidence any difficulties for years and years. Others developed coping strategies that masked their difficulty to trust. They lived lives of denial, compartmentalized their trauma, constriction (places they couldn't go, people they couldn't see, things they couldn't think or talk about, etc.), disconnection (disconnected from self, disconnected from real intimacy with others, disconnected from God). These are just some of the ways that former members of destructive groups cope with their traumatic experiences. Again, this is not to say that the Lord cannot heal the emotional, psychological and spiritual trauma that inevitably results from one's involvement in a destructive group.”

A nutshell summary: I dropped out of college in 1976 to join The Family because I was idealistic and wanted to serve the Lord, and left 23 years later, in 1999. Most of those 23 years, I was just a “regular” Family member, though I did spend several years in CRO (Continental Reporting Offices) homes, at times with, and at other times without, my kids. I was married for 14 years of my time in The Family , and during my 23 years I had six children. My oldest child is married with 3 children in Africa, a part-time Family member, and I have 3 children in college and two in middle/high school. About one year and a half ago, I got remarried to a wonderful man (who knows all about my past).

My question is this: I see myself quite strongly in parts, but not all, of your quote above. My life is full and happy, and has been since leaving The Family seven years ago. This is not to say there weren’t HUGE physical and financial struggles when I first left, getting started literally from scratch in middle age with many children. But we’re over the hump now physically and financially, I have a job I love and which makes us solidly middle class, the kids are all doing well, and I do not carry any huge emotional scars. I cope, as you say, by the use “of denial, compartmentalized their trauma, constriction (places they couldn't go, people they couldn't see, things they couldn't think or talk about, etc.)” But the thing is- this type of coping works very well for me 90% or more of the time. I trust my husband completely, and don’t thing I have other trust issues- besides, there is no one else I need to trust! And I can and do talk to my husband about anything. The only issues I have with my past are occasional nightmares in which I for some inexplicable reason have rejoined and cannot get back to my present life, and having a huge chunk of my life that I basically do not talk about to others, no old friends and acquaintances from those 23 years, etc.

Every once in a while I’ll go through a stage when I read the NDN Boards for a month or two, I’m not even sure why, because for the most part the posts just annoy me, especially the ones that claim that there was absolutely nothing good about The Family. I am able to look back and see the stupid and wasted years, the dumb beliefs which I no longer hold, and many of which I never really held but just tried to ignore, etc. , but I do also know that I made a positive difference through witnessing in many people’s lives over the years, I home schooled my kids and developed a close relationship with them for many years, I home schooled many other children and think I did a darn good job, I traveled to many fascinating countries and places and saw the world from a non-tourist standpoint, etc. Sometimes I can’t understand why ex-Family members just can’t make more of an effort to see the positive and just block out the junk. It works for me. I don’t like being made to feel defensive about being able to be positive. But I do know that everyone is different, and it seems some had far more traumatic experiences than I did, though once again, I have to wonder if in some cases (not all) dwelling on negative past experiences doesn't tend to exaggerate them.

But anyway, I guess my question/comment is- are some methods of coping for some reason or other “better” than others? If so, why? Isn’t the goal to cope, period?

Thanks, and my apologies that this got so long!

Laura