Interestingly, in 1974 I almost joined TF. I was a new believer in my junior year at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and they came through with a couple of busses and caught me coming out of the library one night. The fellow I spoke with was nearly very persuasive in his call to “immediately forsake everything and follow Jesus.” How different my life would have been!
I am glad to hear that you were able to find a good man who loves you and cares for you knowing your past in TF. He is indeed special and wonderful, and I can imagine has made your transition back into the “world” a bit easier. Many, many men would find TF’s history a huge stumbling block to overcome.
There are a couple of problems with compartmentalization or denial as a coping mechanism, Laura. Ultimately it is maladaptive. Let me use an example to explain one of the difficulties. Each one of our lives is like a house. Let’s say your house has 3,000 square feet of living space in it. What trauma does is drastically reduce your living area. Because of the things you have experienced, things you have seen, participated in, witnessed, perpetrated, allowed, etc., you have had to nail closets shut, lock rooms, even close off whole floors! There are just too many stinky things in those closets; voices howl from the rooms at odd times, insane relatives live on some of the other floors. The problem is that you have NO REAL CONTROL over any of this (so you have “occasional nightmares…” as you say).
Now, you are in the house. It is your house, but you are living in a drastically reduced living area. You no longer have full access to it because it is just too overwhelming and terrifying. Thus, it is better to compartmentalize and live in denial; much safer.
The second problem with compartmentalization or denial is that it tends to not be very durable. For many people it may work for a period of time and then begin to unravel as they experience the transitions of life that we all inevitably go through; death of a loved one, birth of a child or grandchild, son or daughter leaving home or getting married, moving, empty nest syndrome, etc. Then they begin to experience many of the symptoms of PTSD that previously had lain dormant.
You see, Laura, the problem is that whenever a person CANNOT go to certain places, talk about certain things, see certain things, etc. because it is just too overwhelming, if it is possible for them to get help for their trauma, that will only benefit them in the long run. I am not saying that you should be telling everyone about your life in TF. Obviously prudence should always prevail! However, whether you do or do not do anything should be your choice, not because you are reacting out of fear or rage or shame or guilt. You want to be able to respond to each situation as best you can, not just react. That takes much time, effort, and someone who knows what they are doing who can help you. All my best to you.