It is very normal for you to experience these “triggers” from TF that can occur between the two of you. Some you can work at “desensitizing” yourself to. Others are a little more resistant to desensitization. Then you just avoid those “landmines” as best you can, and show grace to one another when you step on one. You might also try substituting another word for “obedience” like consistent, trusting, faithful, etc.
Your question is a more spiritual one and here I give you my opinion as a fellow believer. You asked:
“What is good to keep in mind when reading and studying the Bible, so as not to fall into this vortex of extreme self-righteousness as opposed to the opposite which is condemnation that can lead to depression?”
My suggestion is to always keep in mind that Jesus is ever seeking to present God the Father as a “how much more…” Father. Let me explain. Jesus essentially says, “If you being evil would not do such and such to your child, or, if you being evil would give such and such to your child… How much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts, the Holy Spirit, etc… to those who love Him?” This is my paraphrase, obviously. But the point is that we so often view the Father as a take-away Father. Jesus essentially says, take the highest and best of human fatherhood that you can conceive of, elevate that to an infinite level, and you begin to approach the infinite grace and love of God towards His children. He is NOT a take-away Father but a how much more Father! Thus, if we can keep in mind in our study of Scripture that God is primarily interested in relationship with us, not performance, perhaps we won’t be striving so hard…and in all the wrong ways (dead works). Then, perhaps we will also be less likely to see God as just waiting for us to foul-up so He can beat the living daylights out of us. My best to you in your spiritual journey.