I appreciate your thoughtful question. It sounds like you are second generation and that poses a different set of issues that you would struggle with as opposed to first generation.
I would first off encourage you to not be so hard on yourself with the, “…I know I shouldn’t anymore…” in regards to your struggles. This subtly gives moral content to choices and situations that you often do not understand let alone can control. Obviously, if you could have control over your circumstances and not feel so defeated, you would. “Should” statements in these contexts only make you feel guilty and ever a loser.
You sound, Ms. Beauchamp, like you are traumatized and your responses are very normal for such. You describe situations when you were a child or adolescent where your mom was slapping your face, or leaders were sending you to Hell, that you needed to be submissive despite your circumstances, and this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. The ordinary human response to danger is to fight back or to flee, to run away. However, when you are a child where are you going to run to? And when you think that God is somehow involved, how in the world are you going to fight back or run from Him? Traumatic reactions occur when action is of no avail. When neither resistance nor escape is possible, the person becomes overwhelmed by terror and helplessness. As Abram Kardiner puts it, “…the whole apparatus for concerted, coordinated and purposeful activity is smashed.” The problem for you now is that trauma does not go away by itself. It does not matter that you have been out of the Family for eight years. Trauma just goes underground and begins to manifest its damage in other ways throughout your life.
The many symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seem to be all through your email. These symptoms fall into three main categories:
Hyperarousal – this is the expectation or fear of danger. “I’m sick of being scared…”
Intrusion – this is the very clear imprint of traumatic moments. “In my mind’s eye I see my mom slapping my face… , etc.”
Constriction – this is numbing response of surrender. “I’m sick of being a push over… I’m sick of being so damn nice…”
My suggestion Ms. Beauchamp is that you get help. You can attempt to do so in your area, but it is important that you try and find someone that understands trauma and destructive groups if possible. If that is not possible then you can contact us via email (this site administrator can give you mine) or go to our web site: www.meadowhaven.org. That will have some resources for you.