Dear “At a Loss”

Your dilemma is one faced by many former members of the Family. No matter what some authority, prophet, psychologist, king, etc., may say, historically polygamy never works well relationally. Women are inevitably reduced to second class status. Their feelings are subordinated to the man’s needs, their function is primarily domestic, their value is their body. Unfortunately, you and your husband got caught up in a group that sanctioned polygamy in the “Name of God.”

It seems obvious from your question that you and your husband have never completely resolved your feelings about polygamy, and you “almost” being forced to accept a second wife.

You are not wrong to feel jealous and threatened by this other woman (who is former Family, single and needy). It is obvious that your husband is insensitive to your feelings about this, and that he does not realize how dangerous this is to your relationship. How can one speak of compromise when handling dynamite? My recommendation is that your husband refers this woman to someone else who can assist her with her problems. His own marriage of twenty-six years needs to come first, at least until the issues between you are resolved.

You cannot do this on your own. If possible the two of you need to talk to a marriage therapist, preferably one who understands destructive groups like the Family. I know that is a tall order and you may be fearful to share much about your background, however, that is important for the therapist to understand. If you can’t find a therapist who understands destructive groups then see if you can at least find one who is sensitive.