Dear “Husband’s Side”:

There are always two sides to a story and I appreciate hearing from you (husband of “At A Loss”). I certainly do not know you, or your wife, and can only respond to the barest of information that is given in each question.

No one is encouraging you to “stop being friends with your friends,” and especially not me. Who you choose as your friends is your business.

However, having said that there is enough information from the both of you to make comment, which is what I was asked to do. Thus, to answer your question, I would not encourage “bosses… to fire their secretaries over their wives insecurities.” But, that was hardly your situation. The woman you hired was not just any woman. I simply pointed out that you had hired a woman who is former Family, single and needy (by your own admission). From what your wife shared in her post that would seem to be a very volatile situation.

It also seems apparent from your post that you are worn out emotionally by your wife’s “bottomless pit of never ending insecurities,” as you put it. Actually, you sound quite angry, and maybe you have good reasons. However, you have been married for 26 years and her problems are your problems, and your problems are her problems, each of your problems are shared problems. She will only do as well as you support her in finding the help she needs in order to heal.

One thing I would beg to differ with you on is your statement, “We’ve been out of the Fam for 15 years and the Fam is out of us.” Unless you have received help in your recovery from the affects of being in a destructive group like the Family, the trauma of being involved in such a group doesn’t disappear on its own. We have worked with former members from many, many groups, including the Family, for 15 years. This has involved thousands of people. Our experience indicates that nobody leaves a destructive group unscathed. Unfortunately, the trauma experienced, while it may moderate over the years if left untreated, does not dissipate. It goes underground and generally leads to a life of constriction. Many people may continue to function, and perhaps well in certain areas, but overall their lives run at a diminished capacity.

Here is a series of questions to ask yourself that can help you measure how much the “Fam is out of you”:

1. Would you feel anxious/angry talking with current members, visiting current Family homes, looking at Family literature?

2. Do you find that you can only let down your guard, be truly understood by other former Family members? Do you make up “stories” of what your previous life used to be? Do you feel that you just don’t fit in since leaving the Family?

3. If someone in the “world” finds out that you were in the Family can you answer their public questions, “Why did you ever join a destructive group like that?” “When you saw things that you knew were wrong going on, why didn’t you just leave?”

4. Then, more importantly, in your own private moments, when no one else is around, and you remember back when you saw such-and such occur, or so-and-so say, or this or that happen, and you didn’t do anything or speak up. Do you struggle with guilt or shame, or do you just compartmentalize that part of your life and pretend it didn’t happen?

Sam Vaknin in Malignant Self Love has put it very eloquently in describing the Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

“…Like his disorder, the cult leader is all-pervasive. Being the victim of a cult leader is a condition no less pernicious (causing harm or ruin) than being a cult leader. Great efforts are required to abandon a cult leader and physical separation is only the first (and less consequential) step. One can abandon a cult leader – but the cult leader is slow to “abandon” his victims. He is there, lurking, rendering existence unreal, twisting and distorting with no respite (no let up), an inner, remorseless voice, lacking in compassion and empathy for his victims. The cult leader is there in spirit long after he has vanished in the flesh.”

These are just a few of the questions that can indicate whether a former member of any destructive group is truly moving on in freedom or continues to react to their past (no matter how much they may deny it).

My recommendation to your wife stands. I would encourage you to support her as she seeks healing. I would also ask you to take to heart her concerns that this is not just any woman whom you have hired. Please also consider what I had to say about trauma and leaving a destructive group. You have absolutely nothing to lose by checking this out. Try picking up Judith Herman’s book, Trauma and Recovery.