Dear “An Ex Family Member”

I apologize in being so long in getting back to you. Your struggle with guilt is part of the human condition. However, it is acutely the experience of former members of destructive groups. The trauma that most destructive groups stamp upon the human psyche particularly predisposes the person to self-blame and self-recrimination.

One good book from a Christian perspective is David Seamands’ Healing For Damaged Emotions. A secular approach that deals with trauma that may be helpful is Judith Herman’s Trauma And Recovery.

From your post you sound like a believer who has a personal relationship with Christ. I would encourage you to try and find a Christian therapist who also understands trauma recovery (PTSD) from cults, if at all possible. It sounds like you can probably quote a number of Scripture that deal with forgiveness, which are all true. However, trauma makes your daily, spiritual experience a dry, arid wasteland. Consequently, what you know and what you experience are two different things.

In one sense, yes, you did “blew it”, as you put it. But that is a value judgment made in retrospect. You need to remember that you were operating under a whole different worldview at the time you were in the group. That worldview not only sanctioned such behavior, but even “demanded” participation in it if you were going to be a loyal follower. It is easy to now look back with a revised ethical worldview and judge your behavior.

Look at it this way. If you came into a room and sat on a chair and it collapsed under you, are you responsible for breaking the chair? Yes, you are the one who sat on it. But you are not accountable for it. There was no intent in your action. However, if you run into the room and leap into the air and land on the chair with your full weight and break the chair, that is a different matter. Now, you are not only responsible, but also accountable. The distinction is subtle but very important. Are you responsible for your actions while in the Family? Absolutely! You did them. However, your accountability back in that environment, operating under that worldview, I would contend, is not the same as if you did the same things today. It is also not fair for you to go back and mix together responsibility and accountability in one color (under what you NOW believe) and then paint with a broad brush your actions from the past.