Dear Lydia,

Your question is a good one, and difficult for former members of the Family. Let me preface this by saying that destructive groups exist on a continuum; from fringe, somewhat socially acceptable to extremist, very socially unacceptable. There is everything in between these two poles. Survivors from all of these groups experience the same trauma and go through the same process of healing. They also can identify with one another and find a commonality and shared acceptance in each others presence. However, when it comes to social acceptance, and particularly acceptance in the Church, former members of extremist groups often struggle to find any. Unfortunately, the Family is one of those extremist groups whose past and present behavior creates great issues for any former member who seeks acceptance in society or the Church. It does create a “cross to bear” in the mind of many former members. If the Family were a less extremist group, more socially and “spiritually” acceptable, you (as a former member) could reveal more with less repercussions.

I believe your friend found an understanding pastor in the Church she joined. He advised her not to tell others about the specifics of her past. I probably would have advised the same. Sadly, most Christians cannot make sense out of how someone can get caught up in a thought reform environment. “If you just love God enough and read your Bible and pray sincerely, you’ll never be deceived in such a massive way. And certainly not by such an evil group like the Children of God! God just wouldn’t let that happen!” That is the usual line of reasoning.

What is most troubling for the former member of any destructive group is this: where do they go if they want to pursue God wholeheartedly once again? They know their group was wrong, but they have also been inoculated against the Christian Church as a viable expression of the Body of Christ. On top of that if they step out in trust (which is a HUGE step) and truly share their story with some other believer in the Church they may be treated as a “spiritual leper.”

One thing I am somewhat concerned with, Lydia, is that you “still feel a great deal of shame and regret for my (your) past.” Although I completely understand, it is my hope that you can find the help to integrate your Family experience into your present life. I am including some material we use at MeadowHaven regarding guilt and shame. I think you are meaning guilt when you say shame. If so, perhaps this will help you. It is written from a Biblical perspective, but is intended to make a very important distinction between guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame are two of the most debilitating emotions the survivor of a destructive, religious group experiences.

An error most ex-members commit is called the fundamental attribution error, and it is often devastating to their recovery. It occurs when the former member attributes/perceives their own power to resist (not be deceived) as greater than the power of the situation/group. Here, the former member trades their shame at being helpless and vulnerable, for guilt (I should have...). This is always a terrible trade off and very corrosive to the recovery and healing process.
Therefore, the cult survivor often finds it too painful to consider two issues:

1. The first is their own vulnerability, that this could happen to me, that I was helpless to defend myself.

2. The second is the implication that God is not in control. The world is no longer a safe place. Rather, random, uncontrollable events seem to dominate.

This last one is most difficult for the believer. Two books of Scripture are devoted to such a struggle (Job, Habakkuk). Job essentially deals with the question, “Why do the righteous suffer? Why do bad things happen to good people doing the will of God?” Habakkuk asks the question, “If the nation Israel is truly God’s chosen people why are we being destroyed?”

Solutions:

1. You are vulnerable! We live in a broken universe. Unexplainable things do happen, even with our best intentions, and having done everything “right.”

2. At a deeper level Scriptures assure us that God is in control of what appears on the surface to be random, uncontrollable events. Proverbs 3:5-6 encourages the believer to trust God regardless of how things appear. The implication is that seemingly bad things and uncontrollable events are not reality. Then, Romans 8:28 indicates that God is the Master of all events in life and can cause even the most evil circumstances to turn for the good.

Conclusion:

1. To trade shame for guilt is always very costly. It paralyzes emotionally (you are ever a “bad” person, there is something wrong with you, you can’t trust your own abilities to discern, etc.), paralyzes you spiritually (the Bible becomes a menacing, accusing book to read, Churches are all suspect as places of abuse, spiritual leaders are all potentially abusive, etc)

2. Understand that guilt is often a normal reaction. Each person desires to be in control of their life, to be able to make sense out of the events of their life.

3. The guilt associated with leaving an abusive and destructive religious environment is more often than not a false guilt. Rather than accusing and blaming yourself for what has occurred it is more important to:

A. Understand what happened; the process.

B. Realize what your weaknesses are, that you are vulnerable to a degree (as is everybody).

C. Become/learn to be more discerning while still able to trust.