Dear Lydia,

Again, your question is a good one. It deals with second generation survivors of destructive groups and the very nature and dynamics of trauma. To begin with, it is important to understand the difference between stress and trauma. Stress is common to all of life and a certain amount of stress at different points in a young life is important. It creates resilience, and the ability to deal with greater stress. Trauma occurs when stress becomes unpredictable, prolonged, or overwhelms the person’s ability to process it. However, it can then permanently disrupt their “state of calm”, forcing them to create coping behaviors that “help” them deal with life, but ultimately are maladaptive. What is defined as traumatic is an actual or perceived threat to a person’s physical or psychological survival that results in overwhelming stress.

Science is just beginning to understand the dynamics of trauma and its impact upon the human psyche. It is recognized that trauma in childhood is more damaging than the same trauma upon an adult. Adults have the ability to process that children do not. Recent research in neurobiology (how the brain develops and functions) conducted by Dr. Bruce Perry at Baylor University on the Children of Waco, has indicated some disturbing results. Trauma, as experienced by the adult brain, can change how that brain processes future normal human experiences. That person is diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder, and with the proper therapy and time they can experience substantial relief. However, with children where the brain continues to develop through the late teens (and particularly evolves in the early years) Dr. Perry contends the very architecture of the brain is changed. How the human brain normally organizes itself (apart from trauma) is altered, permanently.

This does not mean that the child is going to be mentally deficient in some way. However, no adult who is traumatized as a child is ever unscathed. How that adult deals with their childhood trauma will depend much upon their personality make-up, willingness to seek help when necessary, gender (males are very resistant to help), support of other adults around them, their recognized need (frequently they have to be in crisis), and many other factors.

It sounds, Lydia, like you have done some of the most crucial groundwork with your children. You sitting down with them and explaining that certain things that went down in the Family were very wrong was vital. Many parents from a variety of destructive groups are too ashamed to ever admit such to their children. Second, you apologizing for involving them in the Family was a huge step for them and you. That was very commendable.

My suggestion would be to not obsess over your children’s welfare. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them. If you see things that are disturbing to you as their mother then you can encourage them to get help. Things to look for would be: deep depression, violent mood swings, deviant sexual behavior, inability to form and sustain relationships, self abusive behavior, etc.