Dear Maxx,

For any parent, questions about suspected child abuse, particularly when it may be the other parent who is the perpetrator is almost unimaginable. However, to find out about it years after the abuse makes it even more distressing.

At this point, Maxx, it really is your daughter’s issue. You can’t force her to talk. You can let her know how angry you are over what her father did to her. You can let her know that you will help her connect with a therapist at the point she wants to pursue healing. Many first generation parents have also found that apologizing to their children for what the TF eventually became can have a healing effect upon some of the hurt and pain the second generation feels; that this was not what they signed on for; that they truly only wanted to protect and provide the best spiritual place for their family to be in.

However, it also sounds like this has opened up many wounds for you and issues for which you might want to seek competent help. TF encouraged some of this behavior and the shame of that may be some of what you are wrestling with, even though you did not agree with it. It is also very normal for you to feel a helpless rage at not being able to protect your daughter at the time of the abuse, particularly if you suspected your ex-husband, and didn’t follow through on those suspicions. But the important thing is that you are there for her now. Let her know that you care. Her statement that helping her father “is no big deal” is just her way to try and cope with an unspeakable violation of her person by someone who should have protected her at such a young age. Hopefully, she will come around in time and choose to deal with this in a healthy way. Knowing that you are there now will make that immensely easier.