It almost sounds as if the husband, may have to take a stand and and let the wife choose even if it's to his own hurt and she chooses the son. Who knows, she may not choose the son, the cycle will be broken and the healing can go forward from that point onward. Either that or carry the relationship without bitter acrimony until such time as the individluals heal. Ha ha ha! Otherwise, the codependency can turn malignant not only because of what the mom and son are doing, (it sounds like it's already rampant there) but from what the husband may allow the wife to drag on. Let's see, six years since the decree went forward, "No more manipulation!"

It seems the son hasn't accepted the relationship, nor does it seem that has he accepted what went on in his life before the relationship. He's got some work to do. I feel the step dad may be right in wanting the son to get the help he needs and do the work with an outside source. He, the stepdad, may also want to go in for some couselling for himself if neccesary, shore up his own boundaries, set them in stone. He won't be living his life, but hers, if he doesn't.

One thing is certain, counselling and individual healings are possible (if the participants are willing) and things can get a whole lot better. Redemptive separations while individuals heal can be a part of that process if neccessary - anything to break the entanglement.

> P.S. The son sustained a broken back in a
> truck accident but, he has a history of
> using people and manipulation and
> mistreating his mother verbally and
> emotionally and has hit her physically in
> the past. His own physical father wants
> nothing to do with him because of past bad
> behavior. This son has been divorced from
> his wife who he has beaten on different
> occasions according to his exwife and he
> does have a history of mental and emotional
> problems. I do believe this young man does
> need help but from those not under his
> manipulative control. The husband does see
> that this step son is not receptive to the
> counsel or advice of the step father and the
> stepson resents him (the step father) being
> married to the mother and has forcefully
> said so in the past and is beginning to make
> it very obvious lately although he has tryed
> to hide in since his back was broken and
> trying to get sympathy. The mother is very
> receptive to guilt trips from the son and
> when the step father came into the picture 6
> years ago announced to all sons the days of
> manipulation are over. The mother obviously
> feels burdened for the son but goes against
> all the husbands advice or counsel and has
> at different times told the husband doent
> make me choose between you and my son. The
> husbands main concern is for this
> co-dependant son to get the help he needs
> but from other sources so he can get better
> not just physically but also mentally
> emotionally and spiritually.