Good thing you called the cops before it escalated down into violence. Unfortunately, you're still stuck with the problem if she decides to give in and the law is on her side about that so if you're committed to the relationship you just may have to carry it through this rough spot until the son gets better, gets married and moves away, gets a job and moves away, or whatever. At least he's not in the same apt, even if he wants to be, and should that happen you can always move and get your own. I know, that's not easy cause you love the wife and somehow hope this is going to turn out alright.

You mentioned that you both know what the truth is yet, because of this and other circumstances, you are being pulled into not being able to follow that truth and the fruit is it encourages and enables the son, causes you to go against convictions, and seeds resent and blame and hurt and bitterness and health problems and whatever. You feel that because your wife is not holding to a boundary she's supposed to hold to, it's causing all this flack and it's drawing you down into a codependent thing with her. The bottom line is, are you going to be able to draw a bottom line for yourself or are you going to allow it to go on and resent her for the rest of your married life. That's the thing about codependent relationships - someone is unwilling to draw the line and therefore the line gets fuzzy, the guilty one gets away with whatever, the one who compromizes to please the guilty one becomes guilty and nobody faces anything, and round and round they go, addicted to it and each other and the chaos it spawns - a living hell.

It takes separate and individual healings to recover from that kind of touble. It is possible and it is worth the trouble. Counselling and therapy can do that. Keep in mind that you bring your own troubles to the relationship and may be playing them out within the marriage. I'm sure the wife has alot to say about that and you said you just got fired so I'm sure the boss has something to say about that too. What was that all about? The son sure has.

I hope you can carry the relationship and get the help you all need individually. Like I said, it can get a whole lot better. How long it takes to straighten out an individual depends upon the individual. It may takes about a year for the family to readjust once an individual comes clean and it may take the individual several years to move ahead completly once he does come clean. (That kind of healing can spawn a healing in the others. If it doesn't then you are not bound. There does come a time when you can wish them well on their own healing journey.) It's kinda like the alanon thing. Everybody wants dad to "dry out" and great, dad drys out, but the family falls apart. Dad is no longer a drunken dad and how are they supposed to relate to him????? The same holds true for "drying out from other things. The codependency doesn't have to be alcohol, as in the case of a dad having to "dry out". It could be any number of things like sex, or drugs, shopping cumpuslions, workaholism, screaming and ranting and raving, joining cults, recuing, enabling. You name it, we've got it! Ha! Codependcency - an addiction to people, behaviors, or things (or all three); trying to control inner feelings and emotions, outwardly.

You can always work on yourself, while she and the boys work on themselves till things blow over. That's a real key and the the secret of therapy. CHANGE YOURSELF FIRST! All the best to you and yours.

> One important thing I forgot to mention is
> that the police told me because I am the one
> who made the complaint against him he has to
> stay away but if his mother says he can come
> over then he can come over.

> My wife is real weak in that area of being
> tough on him and she may give in to his
> manipulation game that hes been playing so I
> would ask for prayer that she and I can get
> into agreement on these different issues and
> that she will see the seriousness of this
> situation and have the peace of the Lord to
> be able to deal with these things and not
> get stessed out.