Thanks Bud for your imput. It seems right now Im at a stalemate with my wife concerning the son as she apparently wants to continue in the rescuer role even though its hurting our marriage. We have already discussed this morning the idea of a seperation which makes very sad but I guess it may need to happen. Weve also discussed going to a marriage counselor. Ive called a few churches and so far the only one Ive heard back from is one that they require you attend at least 3 consequetive Sunday church services before he will consider seeing a married couple. At this point Im not sure what exactly to do but I will pray and the Lord will show us. Thanks for your advice. My wife and I will pray together tonight and I beleive the Lord will put on our hearts what we are supposed to do.

> Good thing you called the cops before it
> escalated down into violence. Unfortunately,
> you're still stuck with the problem if she
> decides to give in and the law is on her
> side about that so if you're committed to
> the relationship you just may have to carry
> it through this rough spot until the son
> gets better, gets married and moves away,
> gets a job and moves away, or whatever. At
> least he's not in the same apt, even if he
> wants to be, and should that happen you can
> always move and get your own. I know, that's
> not easy cause you love the wife and somehow
> hope this is going to turn out alright.

> You mentioned that you both know what the
> truth is yet, because of this and other
> circumstances, you are being pulled into not
> being able to follow that truth and the
> fruit is it encourages and enables the son,
> causes you to go against convictions, and
> seeds resent and blame and hurt and
> bitterness and health problems and whatever.
> You feel that because your wife is not
> holding to a boundary she's supposed to hold
> to, it's causing all this flack and it's
> drawing you down into a codependent thing
> with her. The bottom line is, are you going
> to be able to draw a bottom line for
> yourself or are you going to allow it to go
> on and resent her for the rest of your
> married life. That's the thing about
> codependent relationships - someone is
> unwilling to draw the line and therefore the
> line gets fuzzy, the guilty one gets away
> with whatever, the one who compromizes to
> please the guilty one becomes guilty and
> nobody faces anything, and round and round
> they go, addicted to it and each other and
> the chaos it spawns - a living hell.

> It takes separate and individual healings to
> recover from that kind of touble. It is
> possible and it is worth the trouble.
> Counselling and therapy can do that. Keep in
> mind that you bring your own troubles to the
> relationship and may be playing them out
> within the marriage. I'm sure the wife has
> alot to say about that and you said you just
> got fired so I'm sure the boss has something
> to say about that too. What was that all
> about? The son sure has.

> I hope you can carry the relationship and
> get the help you all need individually. Like
> I said, it can get a whole lot better. How
> long it takes to straighten out an
> individual depends upon the individual. It
> may takes about a year for the family to
> readjust once an individual comes clean and
> it may take the individual several years to
> move ahead completly once he does come
> clean. (That kind of healing can spawn a
> healing in the others. If it doesn't then
> you are not bound. There does come a time
> when you can wish them well on their own
> healing journey.) It's kinda like the alanon
> thing. Everybody wants dad to "dry
> out" and great, dad drys out, but the
> family falls apart. Dad is no longer a
> drunken dad and how are they supposed to
> relate to him????? The same holds true for
> "drying out from other things. The
> codependency doesn't have to be alcohol, as
> in the case of a dad having to "dry
> out". It could be any number of things
> like sex, or drugs, shopping cumpuslions,
> workaholism, screaming and ranting and
> raving, joining cults, recuing, enabling.
> You name it, we've got it! Ha! Codependcency
> - an addiction to people, behaviors, or
> things (or all three); trying to control
> inner feelings and emotions, outwardly.

> You can always work on yourself, while she
> and the boys work on themselves till things
> blow over. That's a real key and the the
> secret of therapy. CHANGE YOURSELF FIRST!
> All the best to you and yours.