I think I was trying to send the message to her that she needed to take the bull by the horns and start fighting. She was already Charlie dependent, in the same way I was group dependent, and now I had cut her off. That only made it worse. Just like the Fam's cutting me off, only made it (me) worse. Boy, wherein I was judging her and her dependence on me for her "not kicking in", I was just as guilty for my dependence on them (the group) and "not kicked in." She was trapped in the bitterness a bad case of sexual abuse, and I was trapped in the bitterness of a bad case of childhood neglect, manifested in self righteousness. What a mess!
I turned all the anger inward, in the end, and blamed myself for my failings within the group. I knew I was guilty (true guilt) of being selfrighteous and of having human relationship problems because of that, but I didn't know there were things within the group that THEY were guilty of. It took coming to the boards to see it for what it was. Up until then, (ten years after leaving the Fam) stuggling with MAJOR (even suicidal) depression and untold hidden anger towards a still a very dependent wife, I was looking constantly to get back into a door that had been slammed shut. Or, even if they (the group) were willing to take us back in, they were, by this time, speaking from the dead and I was beginning to have ME DOUBTS. I was thinking it was all a rouse and that he was probably still alive, and that he had just gone completely underground. Wacking off to Jesus? Well, I understoood the Bride of Christ concept. I'd much sooner fuck the wife though, or be carnal and adulterous in my imaginations and jerk off to some woman. Ha!
There was NO WAY Fran was going to go back in and it crossed my mind to go back in just so I could be rid of her. I needed (or I thought I needed) an out. So there we were, both emotionally tangled, both trying to recover from the abuses of our past, and both trying to recover from the "recovery group" itself.
The day I read about the pedophillia I seemed to cross the psychological barrier that had held me in it's grip for so long. Perhaps you could say it was a spiritual stronghold - that siren song of co-dependencce that was calling me to go back in. "Oh, he did that?" That did it for me. I broke with all group dependence and my depression lifted. My health returned litterally over night. It propelled me right out of the pit that I had sucken into and gave me something to say goodbye to. Up until then, leaving home and saying goodbye, cutting the apron string, wasn't in the cards. But it was now. Then began the process of counting what it had all cost, and it had cost alot. I had forsaken a wife and two kids to join, I had made a committment and had poured 13 years of my life into an endevour that, for me, had failed. The new, hundred fold personal family that I had picked up while in, was strewn all over the God damned place while I was down under (remember, I had quit), kids into pain killers of their own, doing drugs, getting into crime, mad at mom and dad for the unresolved bitterness in their personal lives, EVERYBODY DEFILED! And then, to top it all off, when I got over it all, there was Fran, still stuck in her little world.
My recovery blew our past dysfunctional family dynamic to kingdom come. All of a sudden I felt "whole", at peace, one with HIM., And I was drawing up healthier personal boundaries. I just put a stop to all (or nearly all) rescuing behavior and that started forcing us (Fran and I) apart. It was now or never. I promised her fidelity, told her I wouldn't abandon her, but I made it pretty clear that whatever it was that was up her butt, it was going to have to go. Suddenly it must have been safe for her, cause she went in and started uncovering all that abuse. She started retrieving the memories, started reliving the pain, started facing the truth (that it had happened), that it had driven into promiscuity, viciuos rages, alcoholism, and finally, a very near successful suicide. A part of her recovery from the suicide was forsaking all to join the Family, unwittingly not knowing just how very FAMILIAR it was all going to be. That's the thing with co-dependence ( for those raised in dysfunctional family homes) they seek the familiar, blinding themselves into thinking that they can somehow FIX IT - they join the familiar, recreate the home environment wittingly and even unwittingly, so they can play it out. So there she was, farmed out in childhood, and now under MD (and me), farmed out in adulthood. Only this time, in the Name of God! Figure that one out!
The fixing doesn't come in the joining of the familiar. It comes in the denounciation. Fran was able to do that! She acknowledged the abuse; the abuse that happened in childhood before the Family, and the abuse that was within the "all too familiar Family." But not without a horrendous struggle! After all, she loved her daddy and she loved the Family. Breaking forty years of denials and facing a sudden erruption into reality is like a volcano going off. She was ALL OVER THE PLACE! And there I am standing there looking in thinking, "How the hell did I get myself into this mess?" But at least I knew now why she had been such an angry woman fighting anything and everything (with a vengence) that was even remotely familiar and yet, so hoplessly stuck and going along with it , just the same. Esing! Ffing! Phew! I can't help but think of how Maria must be feeling and it makes me wonder just what might have gone on in her childhood. You know, birds of a feather flock together.
So far, I have been willing to carry the relationship as Fran did, in her own little way for me inspite of my anger toward her, while I was down for the count (ten years) thrashing out my "coming out". I've seen her real depth and inner beauty comming out, slowly but surely. I've seen her draw up new and healthier boundaries for herself which, in turn, threatened to blow our relationship dynamic apart again. Now she was no longer she and I was having to come to terms with this "new woman." I won't take any shit, but she won't take any shit anymore, either. GAWD!
By now you must be wondering how we even survived untying all these knots. Believe me! It has only been by the grace of God. We're onto new and healthier things now. Our recovery from the recovery group is on going, but we're not stuck like we used to be. The siren song of co-dependence in regards to Family still calls at times. "Oh, if only! Maybe! What if?" We have to rework that part of the grief process (the magical thinking), when that happens. We have to recycle lots of things, from time to time, in regards to the Family and our sercive within the Family. We've gotten the victory over the deep rooted things (they're out in the open now) and the kids are picking up on it and doing their own little recovery work from the ravages of mom and dad's past unfinished business. We were doing another one of our "therapy " things together last night and this morning where we talk about everything together. We were remembering and regrieving some of of the good things we had experienced within the group. We had just gone through a hectic month of magical thinking and futher boundary re-adjsutments and she asked me, tears flowing all over the place, what was left- everything had turned to ashes and she said, "If we didn't get through this latest crisis, the intimacy and the relationship we have worked so hard to re-establish is about to also (turn to ashes). I won't be able to live with that!" I said, "About the only thing left is our new daily maintennace program. Our FamAnon! Let's try again!"
So there you have it - recovery in a nutshell. Sin drove us in! Personal sin drove us out! Family sin keeps us out! (xox)
> First of all, I appreciated your response. I
> think it was mature. I agree, too, that
> Crossfire has been a good place to get it
> out (the anger). I consciously allow myself
> to be angry now too. Before I suppressed
> alot of it and that's why it went inward.
> Now, like you, I work it off. I get out and
> I work. that way I get the bonus of betting
> paid for it at the same time. Ha! Or, I get
> very up front and confront it, if it's safe
> to do so.
> The effects of drug and alcohol addiction
> drove me to want to "lose my life for
> His Name's sake, that I might save it."
> I heard former the call to "come unto ME"
> and I came. What drove me into drug and
> alcohol 'addiction? My parents marital
> disunity played a part, their own sins
> played a part, their carrear decisions
> played a part, my birth order played a part,
> peer pressure played a big part, and my OWN
> SIN NATURE played a huge part. I was also
> fearing looking out over the things that
> were happening in the world. Needless to
> say, my addictions played the biggest part.
> I need help and I needed it bad.
> Being transformed by the renewing of my mind
> didn't come all that easy cause I was pretty
> proud. It took me a couple of years, after
> forsaking all, to settle down to where I was
> trainable. But that pride never did yield
> itself up the way it should have. I was
> pretty selfrighteous about things and
> baxically traded the drug and alcohol
> dependencies for the group and religious
> dependencies. You know, a form of godliness
> without the power thereof. The noose was
> already beginning to tighten about my
> selfrighteous way of doing things at the
> time of the ts rev. I had a loving shep who
> was calling me on it and I wasn't submitting
> all that well. In fact, I bolted and took
> six months off. The ts thing happened while
> I was away and although I was sorry and the
> home took me back in, they also had been
> ts'ed, so everybody was going through it.
> All things changed then. It was no longer
> all things common. It was everybody fend for
> himself and you owe this much a month. I had
> six young kids and a wife with major sexual
> abuse problems, which pretty much kept her
> dependent on me for just about everything
> and keeping up was pretty much beyond me. We
> gradually drifted into living on the road,
> and finally, two or three years later,
> settled here. Was I ever angry. I didn't
> know what was wrong with Fran and I couldn't
> do it all without help, so I basically up
> and quit.
> I'll finsih this tomorrow.