That was a neat story. I enjoyed it a lot! It's great that you and your wife have been able to come through it all and still stay together and continue your life together. You've seen some pretty bad days, guess we all have, but to keep a positive view on life is not what all have been successful at.
Take care!

> I think I was trying to send the message to
> her that she needed to take the bull by the
> horns and start fighting. She was already
> Charlie dependent, in the same way I was
> group dependent, and now I had cut her off.
> That only made it worse. Just like the Fam's
> cutting me off, only made it (me) worse.
> Boy, wherein I was judging her and her
> dependence on me for her "not kicking
> in", I was just as guilty for my
> dependence on them (the group) and "not
> kicked in." She was trapped in the
> bitterness a bad case of sexual abuse, and I
> was trapped in the bitterness of a bad case
> of childhood neglect, manifested in self
> righteousness. What a mess!

> I turned all the anger inward, in the end,
> and blamed myself for my failings within the
> group. I knew I was guilty (true guilt) of
> being selfrighteous and of having human
> relationship problems because of that, but I
> didn't know there were things within the
> group that THEY were guilty of. It took
> coming to the boards to see it for what it
> was. Up until then, (ten years after leaving
> the Fam) stuggling with MAJOR (even
> suicidal) depression and untold hidden anger
> towards a still a very dependent wife, I was
> looking constantly to get back into a door
> that had been slammed shut. Or, even if they
> (the group) were willing to take us back in,
> they were, by this time, speaking from the
> dead and I was beginning to have ME DOUBTS.
> I was thinking it was all a rouse and that
> he was probably still alive, and that he had
> just gone completely underground. Wacking
> off to Jesus? Well, I understoood the Bride
> of Christ concept. I'd much sooner fuck the
> wife though, or be carnal and adulterous in
> my imaginations and jerk off to some woman.
> Ha!

> There was NO WAY Fran was going to go back
> in and it crossed my mind to go back in just
> so I could be rid of her. I needed (or I
> thought I needed) an out. So there we were,
> both emotionally tangled, both trying to
> recover from the abuses of our past, and
> both trying to recover from the
> "recovery group" itself.

> The day I read about the pedophillia I
> seemed to cross the psychological barrier
> that had held me in it's grip for so long.
> Perhaps you could say it was a spiritual
> stronghold - that siren song of
> co-dependencce that was calling me to go
> back in. "Oh, he did that?" That
> did it for me. I broke with all group
> dependence and my depression lifted. My
> health returned litterally over night. It
> propelled me right out of the pit that I had
> sucken into and gave me something to say
> goodbye to. Up until then, leaving home and
> saying goodbye, cutting the apron string,
> wasn't in the cards. But it was now. Then
> began the process of counting what it had
> all cost, and it had cost alot. I had
> forsaken a wife and two kids to join, I had
> made a committment and had poured 13 years
> of my life into an endevour that, for me,
> had failed. The new, hundred fold personal
> family that I had picked up while in, was
> strewn all over the God damned place while I
> was down under (remember, I had quit), kids
> into pain killers of their own, doing drugs,
> getting into crime, mad at mom and dad for
> the unresolved bitterness in their personal
> lives, EVERYBODY DEFILED! And then, to top
> it all off, when I got over it all, there
> was Fran, still stuck in her little world.

> My recovery blew our past dysfunctional
> family dynamic to kingdom come. All of a
> sudden I felt "whole", at peace,
> one with HIM., And I was drawing up
> healthier personal boundaries. I just put a
> stop to all (or nearly all) rescuing
> behavior and that started forcing us (Fran
> and I) apart. It was now or never. I
> promised her fidelity, told her I wouldn't
> abandon her, but I made it pretty clear that
> whatever it was that was up her butt, it was
> going to have to go. Suddenly it must have
> been safe for her, cause she went in and
> started uncovering all that abuse. She
> started retrieving the memories, started
> reliving the pain, started facing the truth
> (that it had happened), that it had driven
> into promiscuity, viciuos rages, alcoholism,
> and finally, a very near successful suicide.
> A part of her recovery from the suicide was
> forsaking all to join the Family,
> unwittingly not knowing just how very
> FAMILIAR it was all going to be. That's the
> thing with co-dependence ( for those raised
> in dysfunctional family homes) they seek the
> familiar, blinding themselves into thinking
> that they can somehow FIX IT - they join the
> familiar, recreate the home environment
> wittingly and even unwittingly, so they can
> play it out. So there she was, farmed out in
> childhood, and now under MD (and me), farmed
> out in adulthood. Only this time, in the
> Name of God! Figure that one out!

> The fixing doesn't come in the joining of
> the familiar. It comes in the denounciation.
> Fran was able to do that! She acknowledged
> the abuse; the abuse that happened in
> childhood before the Family, and the abuse
> that was within the "all too familiar
> Family." But not without a horrendous
> struggle! After all, she loved her daddy and
> she loved the Family. Breaking forty years
> of denials and facing a sudden erruption
> into reality is like a volcano going off.
> She was ALL OVER THE PLACE! And there I am
> standing there looking in thinking,
> "How the hell did I get myself into
> this mess?" But at least I knew now why
> she had been such an angry woman fighting
> anything and everything (with a vengence)
> that was even remotely familiar and yet, so
> hoplessly stuck and going along with it ,
> just the same. Esing! Ffing! Phew! I can't
> help but think of how Maria must be feeling
> and it makes me wonder just what might have
> gone on in her childhood. You know, birds of
> a feather flock together.

> So far, I have been willing to carry the
> relationship as Fran did, in her own little
> way for me inspite of my anger toward her,
> while I was down for the count (ten years)
> thrashing out my "coming out".
> I've seen her real depth and inner beauty
> comming out, slowly but surely. I've seen
> her draw up new and healthier boundaries for
> herself which, in turn, threatened to blow
> our relationship dynamic apart again. Now
> she was no longer she and I was having to
> come to terms with this "new
> woman." I won't take any shit, but she
> won't take any shit anymore, either. GAWD!

> By now you must be wondering how we even
> survived untying all these knots. Believe
> me! It has only been by the grace of God.
> We're onto new and healthier things now. Our
> recovery from the recovery group is on
> going, but we're not stuck like we used to
> be. The siren song of co-dependence in
> regards to Family still calls at times.
> "Oh, if only! Maybe! What if?" We
> have to rework that part of the grief
> process (the magical thinking), when that
> happens. We have to recycle lots of things,
> from time to time, in regards to the Family
> and our sercive within the Family. We've
> gotten the victory over the deep rooted
> things (they're out in the open now) and the
> kids are picking up on it and doing their
> own little recovery work from the ravages of
> mom and dad's past unfinished business. We
> were doing another one of our "therapy
> " things together last night and this
> morning where we talk about everything
> together. We were remembering and regrieving
> some of of the good things we had
> experienced within the group. We had just
> gone through a hectic month of magical
> thinking and futher boundary re-adjsutments
> and she asked me, tears flowing all over the
> place, what was left- everything had turned
> to ashes and she said, "If we didn't
> get through this latest crisis, the intimacy
> and the relationship we have worked so hard
> to re-establish is about to also (turn to
> ashes). I won't be able to live with
> that!" I said, "About the only
> thing left is our new daily maintennace
> program. Our FamAnon! Let's try again!"

> So there you have it - recovery in a
> nutshell. Sin drove us in! Personal sin
> drove us out! Family sin keeps us out! (xox)