Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with

some great new stuff to make life easier.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression

by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that

eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful

they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they

moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups

swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,

decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously

low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by

controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly

effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and

reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases

resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better

person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.

Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can

cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may

even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who

can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be

used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with

total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective

than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a

headache," syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same

irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the

time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to

identify who to cross off the dating pool.