what god is doing in my life

Posted By: Texas Ray
Date: Thursday, 11 April 2002, at 1:58 p.m.

In order for you to understand what God is doing in my life I need to give just a little bit of my testimony here.

My former wife’s name is Nancy. We were married in 1977 just before the RNR. Our first daughter was born in California in September 78. A few months later we decided to moved back to Texas. I found a good job working for a newspaper and for several years we lived a fairly normal wholesome life. We had 2 more children. We bought a house on 2 acres of land, planted a garden, raised chickens, ducks, and kids. And once a week we fellowshipped with the other area families.

But the poison of the letters was working in us (or rather in me) to destroy our happiness.

My self righteous pride
The other homes in the area were all heavily involved in escort work (the family had its own agency) and as a result they were making a lot of money. Nancy and I were looked upon as poor outsiders and made to feel as though we were unyielded to God for not taking part in this great “ministry”. In self rightous pride I pushed Nancy to try it. She did once, and then flatly refused. I accepted her refusal but I still thought of it as a lack of faith on her part. My attitude began to drive a wedge between us.

I was blind. I should have seen that those horrible sexual doctrines were destroying all of the family marriages in the area. One mother left her husband and 5 children to go live with a rich “sheep”. Other sincere sisters were becoming professional prostitutes and the men were turning into pimps. The poison was spreading.

Nancy’s stand
In 1982 Grim-paw began to once again spew out warnings that America was about suffer a nuclear attack, and that if we didn’t leave immediately God would be very angry and destroy us. I was very happy living on my little farm in Texas but because I wanted to “obey” I thought we should go to a foreign field.

Nancy didn’t agree. In fact she wanted to limit our ties with the family. In my heart of hearts I agreed with her, but in my pride I accused her of doubt and rebellion to God. Poor Nancy had many sermons from myself and from others. She was prayed over several times to stop listening to the enemy’s voice.

In fact she was the only one listening to God’s voice. I and the other family members, in our zeal to “follow David” were deaf to it.

Eventually under great pressure Nancy agreed to go to the field, (against her will) but in her heart she knew that the family policies were wrong. She also feared that once we were on a foreign field the family could treat us like dirt on the floor as they had in the past.

In the summer of 83 we sold our house and things and prepared to go to Indonesia. We went to the border base in California for final preparations.
While we were there the BB shepherd stole a packet of traveller’s checks from us. I was able to get these replaced but I should have seen this as a warning of things to come, I didn’t.

The day I was to go to the travel agency to pick up our tickets Nancy said “I’ve decided I’m not going.” I thought it was just a little doubt that I could once more dispel with pressure from the letters, and others, so I said “We’ll talk about it when I get back”
I left to go get the tickets. But when I came back Nancy and the kids were gone.

I thought, they’ve gone to the park, they’ll come back soon, they didn’t.
I sat up all night, hoping, praying that she would come back or at least call.
I finally got a call the next afternoon. Nancy had decided to go back to her parents home in NJ.
She loved me but she wanted nothing more to do with the family for herself or for the children and she didn’t want me to feel that she had stopped me from obeying God so she left.

I know and admit now that Nancy was right.
Dear little “doubter” Nancy saw things so much clearer than I did.

Why? Because she had the good common sense to stop listening to the Mo letters.

She was sickened by the Davidito book.
I thought it was revolutionary new wine.

She was infuriated at Mo’s suggestion that there was nothing wrong with incest.
I took it in stride, (you know Grimpaw, always an extremist)

She didn’t like sharing and thought it was wrong.
I thought it was a new freedom from God.

She didn’t like FFing and thought it was wrong.
I thought it was a great new way to reach the world.

She sensed that the family could once again become tyranical.
I thought that could never happen again.

Dear little Nancy whom I and other family members condemned continually for her lack of faith and obedience was right all along and we the mighty revolutionaries for Jesus were all wrong.

I had no news at all from Nancy until 1991 when she was sure I had truly left the family.
Now we communicate freely, and without any problem between us.
The problem was always the family.
It caused untold suffering in my life, in Nancy’s life, and in our children’s lives.
I am a stranger to my own kids because of the policies of the COG family.

Although Nancy and I have communicated for several years now I had never truly apologized or repented of my self righteous attitude and the pain I caused her.

In my mind I still considered her as the one who left and forsook me (and God).

It has been “crossfire” that showed me how greatly I was mistaken.

My e-letter to Nancy

Dear Nancy,

The ex-family board I told you about, “crossfire” has brought up old memories and caused me to look back at my life. It’s not a very pleasant picture.

One of the other people on the board is “Sam” (you remember Aminidab) His story is much like mine. He left the family a couple of years ago.

He wrote how he had to admit to himself that he had been wrong, and then started doing all he could to try to make up for the past to his wife and kids (he hadn’t seen them for 20 years).
That inspired me to write this poem to you.
I mean every word.

I Was Wrong

There’s a secret hidden closet in a corner of my soul
Where I’ve longed to go but never made my way
For the door was barred by memories and by thoughts I can’t control
So each time I’d turn around and run away

I tried so hard to avoid it and to keep my thoughts away
From this secret buried deep within my heart
And it’s only by God’s mercy that I’ve made it here today
For I did not have the strength to even start

As I enter through the doorway I am trembling with fear
And the greatest dread that I have ever known
But I know I must continue now for God has brought me here
To face a fact that I must face alone

Now the mem’ries overflow me of that time so long ago
When I called you weak and thought myself so strong
But the truth is now before me and I’ve got to let you know
Dearest Nancy you were right and I was wrong

I could lay the blame on others as I once laid it on you
I could say that someone else led me astray
But the truth is that I closed my eyes to everything that’s true
And I let a blinded guide tell me the way

Who was I to ever judge you or to tell you what was right
When in truth I didn’t even have a clue
God had blessed me with your love when I was small in my own sight
In my pride I lost it all and I lost you

I just wish I could go back and change the things I did and said
But I know the past can never be undone
I regret with all that’s in me this misguided life I’ve led
And the ways that I have hurt you every one

So I beg you to forgive me and I mean it from my heart
And I’m sorry that I’ve waited for so long
to admit the truth that God has tried to show me from the start
and to tell you you were right and I was wrong

Nancy’s response

Dear Ray

Thank you. I hardly know what else to say.
I've read and re read the poem. I've read it to others.
It's beautiful. It made me cry.
I couldn't even go to work that day.

Ray, I'd forgiven you a long time ago. I understood that you left because you thought with all your heart that it was what God wanted you to do.
I can't say I agreed with it, but I understood.

Yes, I was truly hurt. It still hurts. I know you are hurting too.

The kids were hurt too though. You are doing the right thing by writing to Liz. I sent her
a copy of your poem too. Jason read the poem and just said “Wow”.

I have not read it to Dawn yet. She called the other night and was sick throwing up and it just wasn't the right time. The baby is due next month.

Well, I just don't know what else to say. Thank you and let's keep "talking".

Love, Nancy

Me:
Like most of us here, Nancy suffered many things as a result of the family and its ungodly doctrines. She has had a very hard life as a result.

My daughter Liz is in prison. (I can’t explain, but I take full responsibility because I wasn’t there.)

I’d like to invite anyone who has a word of encouragement for Nancy and for my kids to send it to me by e-mail (txsray@free.fr).

At the moment Nancy has e-mail but not true internet access. If anyone knows a good (free) ISP in the US please post. I think she will be joining us here soon.

Thanks to you all for helping me to find the courage to do this.

Texas Ray