I can't just go away from your post and not say anything. Your situation was truly one that was created by the Family. But I can't help but notice that the one father who continues to stick by you and the children is the one who was not in the Family. Good for him.

My heart goes out to you. I think you beat up on yourself too much. I give you a lot of credit for being a strong woman and mother. My situation is vastly different from yours but concerning how to reconcile things with the kids...well, a few years ago I was on a short road trip with my son. We were car camping in the mountains for one night and drinking some beer by the camp fire. We started telling stories about real situations that now he was a grown up, he figured the statute of limitations was up. He told me all about crimes of vandalism that he had committed as a boy. I was shocked but heartened somewhat to learn that he felt great remorse over the hurt he caused his teacher. Then I told him the truth about the Family. I told him everything. We had left when he was quite young and he didn't remember anything about it. This baring of our souls brought us closer.

Then a few years later I was on the same roadtrip with my oldest daughter. We had a rocky relationship when she was growing up and so we hadn't always been that close. During this trip I told her the truth about the Family and I was extremely surprised by her reaction, because I was expecting not good things. Instead she has become compassionate towards me. She has acted with kindness and thoughtfulness. You could call it protectiveness. I felt it immediately after she heard the story of what the Family had been like for me. I am so grateful to her for reaction.

So not knowing what your kids are like, my only advice could be is to be as honest as you can with them. Make sure they are old enough to understand before laying everything down but along the way to getting there, just be honest. Your kids know that you love them, make sure to tell them that. If things had been different you wouldn't have them and would you have chosen that?

So even though I wish now that I hadn't been a prostitute or shared with so many brothers; I am eternally grateful for every one of my children regardless of how I got them. I'm sure you are too. It is obvious through your writing that you love your children. Tell them.

(When my older daughter was a teen and hating me with a veangeance, I told her..."I love you and whats more, I know that you love me too. Do you hear me? I know that you love me." Her eyes were spitting fire but somewhere deep inside her she did love me.)