Dear Tired,
Like all the other responses here, I relate so much. But I've been through enough of the "if looks and actions could kill..." period with my teens to know there's an end to it. And I've got 4 more left to go! When you're in the thick of it, it seems like it'll never end though. Add in an early menopause mixed with difficult teens, and boy did I ever want to just become Rip Van Winkle and go to sleep too, and many days just walk out and not come back.
Now that half of my kids are through the defiant years, my hind sight has become a bit more clear. Of course they're all different individuals, and I found my girls were alot easier than my boys. But the shouting matches were hell for all of us, the power struggles, with me alot of times losing, were things I learned from. I still lose it and raise my voice and rant, but I try my very best not to do that with the 4 younger set. It was so destructive. With one of my sons, and I've written about him a bit here, he was a handful from the moment of birth. But the teen years were enough to make me want to strangle him at times.
All kids are different, but, as some have mentioned here, setting clear boundaries, and enforcing them would've been what I would've done differently. And yes, way easier said than done, right? How I know that. I opted many times to just give in and let him do what he wanted to do to save the peace in the house. If he were a young teen again, I wouldn't. And amazingly enough, this one son of mine has always responded amazingly to praise and appreciation. YOu know when it looks so black and there's absolutely nothing you can find good about them? Usually after a fight or shouting match. That's when I'd have to look deep, and really struggle for some good thing to latch onto, or show that I needed him in some way or give him some responsibility to show that I wanted to trust him. Sometimes you've got to really reach and see the unique and special individual things. When I was able to muster up the will to do it, I would really try to employ that technique.
If there were a magic formula, I'm sure we all would've been using it by now. Its just plain hard. But keeping your cool, trying with all your might not to have things erupt into a tit for tat shouting match, sticking to the boundaries, and trying to find the good when you want to throw them out the door, are things I've learned and try really hard to do. Doesn't always work. But I try.
And as some others mentioned, just getting out of the house or away from the situation for awhile if you can does wonders. A couple of times I was able to just cover my bases, and get out and retreat for a day and night. And it was heaven.
There's an end to it, may not seem like it now. But sanity will reign again!! Sure praying for you!

> Some days, I just want to sleep and wake-up
> in 10 years, when my teen-ager will be a
> grown-up and out of my house,if it ever
> happens.
> How do you deal with your teen-agers?
> I remember not being a very nice person at
> that age, but it seems to me that it is a
> lot worse with one of my teen-ager. One has
> left home and is on his own now, but this
> one is making me sick and depressed. Crying
> is not the word,it really doesn't seem to be
> a light at the end of the tunnel. Lack of
> respect for things, for us and for life in
> general. If you have tips, let me know, I am
> in a low state right now.