Surviving after leaving was very hard. The first years were extremely bad and much of my bad experience is due to my lack of maturity as a parent, coming out of a totally controlled environment with dependents who knew me as a bible name and not as "mom" and not having good resources when getting out of the Family.

I had no driver's license, no Social Security number, I had never held a "real job", I felt like a foreigner in my own country of origin and had been out of it for six years shy of half of my entire life at the time. My kids had never been to the states except for the first one who was here only a month.

Family of origin was not safe and turning to a biological sibling at the time was more harm than help. We had never been close and I thought that growing up we might be different from how things were when I was a child, but it wasn't.

I got on my own in a roach motel apt. with no furniture, no car. I worked long hrs. at low wage to pay for the apt, electricity and the most basic of needs.

Kids got into all kinds of trouble, I got in a bad relationship. I dealt with severe anxiety and panic attacks and was on medication that I got addicted to, more like the "co-dependent" person would do.

I was in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic who was very abusive. Got out of it after about three years.

Got into counseling for self and got it for my children too. It helped. It wasn't a cure all.

Tried churches at first but found it hard to fit in. Part of that is probably the need I had at the time to try and become a full blown member and an over-blown need to be able to accept every single church doctrine or it would go against my belief system and then I would have to throw the whole darned thing out. Some of it was the immediate alienation I felt when I would too quickly tell all about my past and then realize it was too much for people to understand or know what to do with.

I did things i am not proud of now to survive. I had a very very hard time surviving. But I did survive!

So did my kids.

I did further my education some. Not as much as I would have liked to, nevertheless I did get better jobs as a result.

I have done a lot of volunteer work in the past which felt good. Working with people (elderly, ill of all ages, and with animals) which always felt good to me.

> Hi Gin, I can't really respond as I'm off
> the see the work wizard. I open a pool
> REEEELY early. But I'd like to hear just how
> you did manage to survive when you left. You
> are an amazing lady. I'll be back tonight.