This is such a complex issue.

I was in The Family for 23 years, and married for 12 of those. I had six children by five different fathers (two from my husband).

The years as a single mom in the Family were very very difficult. All the Letters in the world about them being "our kids" didn't mean a thing when you were looking for a Home to live in, and it was painfully obvious that no matter how hard you worked, no matter how many how hard you tried to be an overachiever in order to thought of as a valuable Family member, the best that could be hoped for was that some Home would decide to "take on the burden" out of a sense of well-meaning duty.

Then you'd get put on childcare of all the kids in the Home 7 days a week, you slept on a mattress on the floor in a room full of your kids and other people's kids, and all those who went witnessing and brought in money were given a percentage of what they brought in as "shiner money" and they and their kids could actually afford new shoes and an occasional movie.

Then, in 1999, a series of letters came out about how fathers had to be responsible for their kids by single moms. In my silly naivete, I wrote to the father of my fifth and by far most difficult child behaviorally, who happened at the time to be the Business Teamworker in Maria and Peter's home. Well, needless to say, this father, because of his oh-so-important position, was an exception to the rule and I was still on my own. I got a three page explanation of this "straight from the horse's mouth", a prophecy which was supposed to be Berg speaking.

I am very fortunate in that now, six years post-Family, my kids are all doing quite well and I am thankful every day for having a happy and productive life. I have often thought that I wish I'd only had about three kids, though- child #3 graduates from college in a few months, if he were the last one, my life would be about to get a whole lot easier. Yes, I love every single one of the kids and enjoy every single one of them- but I refuse to feel guilty about wishing my life were a little bit less complicated.

My kids for the most part (except the oldest, a part-time Family member with 3 kids) all say they don't want children, or at least not for a long time. I think they feel like they've already had the experience of having children, and are looking forward to being better off financially than we have been and being able to enjoy themselves for a while. I suspect that at some point they will fall in love and get married and want to have a child or two, and I hope so, but when they want it, not when someone else (even me) thinks they should.

Sorry I got so long winded- this is a sensitive topic for me, ha!

Laura

> I really can't imagine what it was like for
> single women with children. It must have
> been really terrifying at times. All the
> chatter about one wife really only meant
> someone else was to take care of the
> leader’s children and do it as well, or
> better than they did their own. It truly
> never worked the other way.

> We had a girl in one of our homes with one
> child and PG with the second. She was just
> sort of dumped, on us with the one wife
> argument while her husband went off to his
> new young and cute, no kids yet partner, (by
> then no one was marrying, just hooking up).
> He was a hot shot in the Paris Show group
> and I guess she was just a burden with those
> children. She was cute enough. Who knows.

> She was so confused and frightened. At first
> I think she sort of expected that we would
> just adopt her in and all would be well. We
> tried but we were a road colony with no home
> at all and she was about to give birth and
> no one gave a hoot. We called all the local
> leaders and shepherds and tried to find her
> a home. I had 3 children and was PG with the
> 4th and we were barely surviving. I went
> with her to the very-public state hospital
> (about 100 women in labor in one huge room),
> but was not allowed to stay. We had no place
> for her to come home to with a new born. We
> were sleeping on some king’s floor.

> She was finally and begrudgingly bounced to
> another home that had an actual place to
> live after the baby was born, and they kept
> calling asking for us to buy her diapers and
> send $. We did for a while but then we were
> sent to another city and I don't know what
> happened after that. I just remember sensing
> her desperation and sense of abandonment and
> all the "revolutionary" rhetoric
> seemed like such crap. We wanted to help
> more and felt such guilt when she was moved
> off to somewhere else. We did all we
> could at the time, but I really felt a lot
> of anger at the dad. No phone call (not even
> when his son was born), of course no child
> support check, though he was living quite
> well, there was no net to catch her and
> those precious children, and he didn’t give
> a damn if she died or not.

> You single moms were really vulnerable and
> your children as well. You are so right when
> you said:
> The nature of the Family is to tear the
> soul out of a family. Parents shouldn't
> trust or love each other more than the
> leader. Children are separated from parents
> at early ages and, well, weren't we all in
> effect pitted against each other should any
> of us begin to think rationally?

> The longer I am out of the COG the more I
> see how deep and insidious was Berg’s BIG
> LIE. It affected every part of our lives and
> thoughts, and left us helpless and unable to
> even know how to seek God when we finally
> got away from Berg’s puke. But wasn’t that
> Berg’s idea, to become our God. To set his
> words above all other voices so as to have
> total control over our every action and
> reaction, to leave us feeling afraid,
> ineffectual and dependent even when we were
> out of Berg’s venomous clutches? I remember
> after I left, wondering if I could ever make
> a competent decision again.

> I still find myself apologizing to my kids
> for all of their problems, even if it’s my
> fault or not. There are times when I think
> it all was my fault. Then I meet some
> wonderful parent with all the advantages,
> who apparently did all the right
> things and their children are really screwed
> up and before I can find that empathetic
> bone, I have a long sigh of “good, I’m not
> alone”.

> When George and I did leave it was amazing
> to find all the organizations and people,
> all those "systemites" and
> "religious Pharisees" over whom we
> felt so arrogant, who lovingly made a way
> for us to survive and rebuild.

> I’d imagine it is really hard when you do
> leave the COG to combine the burdens of
> raising a family, starting from square zero,
> as far as skills and education go, and
> trying to imagine thinking about any other
> aspect of your life, much less
> spirituality. Maybe when the kids are
> grown you’ll have some time for that. I am
> aware that the world out here is not always
> too sympathetic to single moms, but there is
> a whole heck of a lot more support than in
> the COG.

> Would you mind letting us know how you left
> the COG, and how did you manage when you
> did?

> "Spiritual serial killer." That's
> a good one!