Hey, I felt like this these days. My mom is 80 now. She´s always been helpful with no remorse over the past and the years she missed with my kids. This whole week I had to go and see her every day, we live 5min apart, cause she felt so sick and weak. I finally took her to the doc and was thinking what will it be like when she´s gone? That night I couldn´t go to sleep. I am glad that I stayed here in my home town and can take care of my mom.
But like a lot of older people she has this plain and "weird",attitude to me, remarks about death and what´s going to happen to her belongings. But then she decided not to die too early as my niece is getting married and is going to have her baby sometime in February. She definitly wants to stay but her body is getting weaker and she herself too.
I also have attented some funerals this year, some patients from my working place have died and I did have quite some time with most of them. But when I went to their home to say Good-Bye it was all so peaceful, so "right" for them. I couldn´t cry but was happy for them as they all went " to sleep" when they died.
It is a part of life. We are born and live and the end is death. There is nothing we can change. Except accept this!
And myself, when I got to bed and look in the mirror I think I look like my own grandmother. That´s how old I feel in the evenings. During the day I found out I don´t have the strenght anymore to make long lasting walks or stay up for longer on the weekends etc.
But I am, I noticed, getting calmer in a lot of situations. I take more time to look at the picture and it makes me feel good. Like having a closer look at life in general.